Living Together vs. Apart

 

Let’s just say you are in a relationship and the question of whether or not to live together comes up.  What do you do?  Which option is better?  When is it okay to start living together with your partner?  Living together is a big decision, especially when you are not married and it’s even a bigger decision when you are not even engaged. 

A relationship is like a hike to the peak of the mountain.  There is a trail that you must follow.  Either you can walk the trail, jog it or run it, but you can fly it nor take short cuts.  In a relationship, everything has its own timing whether you are moving at a faster pace or slower.  The key is to keep on the right path.  A path will lead you to the top of the mountain, where you will be rewarded but be patient.  Allow the path to direct your speed of travel.   If you take short cuts or force a faster speed than you are able, you risk of getting lost and not making it back to the trail.

It’s a big commitment
When you decide to live together; you are making a larger commitment to the person than it might seem at the beginning.  Think about all the factors not just the idea of living together and sharing a home.  Below I have made a list of what I think goes into living together. 

·         Sharing your space 24/7

·         Seeing all sides and colors of that person including emotional and stressful behavior

·         Eliminating privacy from your life

·         Sharing all details of your daily activities and personal life

·         Learning how the other person functions and compromising some of your habits

The relationship should be ready
Let the relationship get to the stage where living together is the next step on the path.  It might take a year, two or marriage, but allow your relationship to decide.   When you, your partner and your relationship arrive to the point on the path where living together is the next step, don’t hesitate to take it.  Living together can be absolutely wonderful in so many ways, when it’s the right time.  However, avoid letting excuses, or irrelevant reasons become the motive for living together.  The irrelevant reasons are extremely dangerous for your relationship.  They tend to seem rational at the time, but soon after, the relationship may suffer a great deal of unfixable pain.  Try to avoid the scenarios listed below that may pull your relationship off the safe trail.

Excuses are deceiving

·         Saving money on rent, sharing expenses or anything that has to do with money

·         To live closer together

·         To move out of your parents house

·         To try to convince your partner that marriage is the next step
(You will be surprised how many people attempt to convince their partner of marriage by living together.)

·         To obtain more control over your partners life

·         Just because it would be fun

Be ready to make it or break it
When a couple lives together, it tends to accelerate the relationship but only in one direction.  It only accelerates arrival to separation much faster than it would have otherwise.  However, living together doesn’t accelerate arrival to marriage faster.  From my experience and theory, living together when the relationship isn’t ready doesn’t help to bring the relationship closer, but instead drives the partners apart much faster.  When your relationship is ready for the commitment of living together, than I suggest you move forward and take that next step.  It’s absolutely wonderful to live with someone who you love, trust and see a long future with.  Of course there might be issues that arise between the couple when you first start living together, however, that’s where your relationship readiness comes into play.  If your relationship was ready for the step of living together, not very many issues will be large enough to break you apart. 

Hidden skeletons in the closet
Living together opens up closet doors to all good and bad habits.  You must be ready to know your partners good and bad side and your partner must be ready to know yours.  When your relationship is on the path and living together seems to be the correct next step, then take the opportunity to live together.  

Living before marriage
I am a believer in knowing your partner before getting married.  Especially with the divorce rate climbing higher than 50%, it is so important to eliminate any chances of hidden skeleton becoming the reason for your divorce.  This is not to say that any small detail or habit should be the reason for not marrying your partner.  It is mostly to identify the personality of your partner in a day to day basis as it would be if you were married.  (As close as possible.)

One suggestion to making living together better
The main idea behind living together is being open minded.  Allow your habits to change.  Be flexible and willing to adapt to new living style.  Set no expectations, be positive and watch your life and experience bloom tremendously.

Final take away
The most important point I would like you to remember is the more pressure and responsibility you place onto the relationship before the relationship is ready, the harder it is for it to succeed.   Be gentle and kind to your relationship.  It needs the same love, nurture, and care as any growing thing.

I would love to hear what you have experienced in your relationships and how they have turned out.

Comments

[Jessica H.]

Hi, I just wanted to share my story with you.
I am a person that would've never considered living together with my fiancée before the wedding, but apparently the circumstances turned around and we ended up living together for about 6 months before the wedding. 6 months doesn’t look as a long time, but to find out the true person, it was enough. Thanks God, it happened!!! We ended up calling off the wedding and moving on to the different directions. He seemed a perfect person while we were dating and way off perfect when we moved together. Yes, unfortunately it happens pretty often, so please know the person before the wedding, it saves your marriage.